From books, mentors, and many of you I’ve learned several mental toughness techniques and practices. The techniques have kept me even keeled in rush hour traffic, but the truth is, I’ve never truly tested these practices or my own mental toughness.
I grew up in a small town with a good family and community. With a little effort I succeeded in school. Then I got onto a good career track at SPN, met wonderful mentors and met my lovely wife. All through this very few people close to me have passed away and no one has tried to viciously harm me or my family. I am very fortunate, and life has been pretty easy.
In the span of one month our entire world got turned upside down from the coronavirus. Family members cannot be seen, many are facing financial hardship and the threat of disease hangs over all of us. On top of that my Grandfather was just diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease.
If you are my age or younger, chances are you are similar to me. Life’s been good and this needing to be tough all the time is new. Since this is our first time in a prolonged crisis, we are getting the chance to test all of those lessons and techniques taught to us by the more experienced and wise folks among us. Here’s what I’ve used and learned so far.
What works for me:
Objective Representation: I get this from the ancient Stoics. You write down the situation in very objective and scientific language. Write everything in third person even your own thoughts. “Todd’s amygdala was searching for threats and found one in the way Maura asked him to pick up his dirty clothes.” It creates separation and gives you a more rational view of the situation and calms your amygdala down. I find this technique is really useful when you need to make a decision in an emotionally charged situation. Do some objective representation, then evaluate your options and make a decision. Sometimes I do it more than once for the same decision.
De-catastrophizing: You imagine the catastrophe and then ask yourself “and then what” over and over again. Eventually you are imagining a future in which the catastrophe is over, and life is back to some normal. This technique is works will when coupled with anticipation. Eventually social distancing will be over, then I can go on a nice vacation and have a beer on a beach. My mouth is watering already.
Gratitude: We talk a lot about gratitude at SPN. One thing I’ve learned is that you don’t have to be creative or novel with your gratitude. Just blurt out unedited gratitude. The other day I was jogging and thought to myself, “I’m grateful someone built this sidewalk for me to run on.” This turns on a gratitude radar and sort of takes over your thinking. You’ll find yourself grateful for all of life’s little gifts. For harder situations like my grandfather’s diagnosis, I practice gratitude for the wonderful years I’ve had with him. I’m 33 and have two surviving grandparents that’s amazing!
The big thing I’ve learned
You can’t just fix an emotion and be done with it. These techniques don’t just flick a switch “ok I’m over it.” My grandfather has Alzheimer’s disease. Because of the coronavirus I may not get to see him before he loses his memory or passes away. That is a difficult fact to deal with. I use objective representation and gratitude to face that reality, manage my emotions, and continue life but I do get sad again. That doesn’t mean the technique failed or I am lacking mental toughness, it just means I care about my grandpa and I’m not a robot.
Mental toughness does not permanently change your emotions around a problem, it manages your emotions for a time. The difficulty will come back and you will have to use the techniques again, but you’ll be stronger the next time.